On a test a ride from a diner in Queens to the financial district in lower Manhattan, we had a tight schedule upon arrival, so I was already quite nervous when my driver showed up 10 minutes late. That was only strike one, though.
Instead of the black sedan I expected I got a 20-foot stretch limousine. Personally, I’m not big on stretches unless I’m engaging in some sort of debauchery. At minimum I want my favorite girl within arms reach, a cluster of friends sampling martinis, and maybe a live tiger in the trunk. By myself in a stretch limousine, I get a little lonely.
Tigers clearly belong on scifi beaches rather than in limo trunks.
Now this particular stretch had likely been built in the early nineties, and was probably last serviced not much after that. It swayed, it rattled, it bounced, and it had cracks in the interior plastic that I could stick my finger in (but didn’t, for fear of contracting Hepatitis).
The final nail in the coffin was the biggest: At some point we pulled off a perfectly good freeway to take a detour around what must be one of the scarier parts of Queens (at least I hope it is, for the sake of the people that live in other parts of Queens). For a good five minutes, all I saw was boarded-up windows, abandoned warehouses, and not another soul except me and my driver. It reminded me a little bit of our earlier Dave Chapelle post about being abandoned in a limousine in the middle of the ghetto. I decided to inconspicuously use my phone to email my current location to a friend, and I turned on Google Latitude so it would broadcast where I am for as long as possible. I think that from now on, I’ll always do that when I take a test ride. Techno-wizardry to the rescue!
For my trouble I was forced to pay in cash after having already read my credit card number during the phone booking. I did not get mugged … technically … and I got to my destination just barely in time, so things certainly could have been worse. Needless to say, though, we won’t be considering this particular company for our New York expansion project.
Stay tuned for that launch. We promise to present only cars that you would feel safe putting your grandmother (or your prized tiger) into.